Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
