how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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