the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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