i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
