Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
