if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
