It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
