I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
