I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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