Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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