Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
