Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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