He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
