dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
