i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's shark week go big or go home
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
