problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
