i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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