My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
