While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
