his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
