I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
