found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
