Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
