Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
