i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
