I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
