you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
