tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
