Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
