just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
