my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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