I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
BRING THE BAGELS
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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