someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
