No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
