i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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