Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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