They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
