I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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