That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
