I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
this just has baby written all over it
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
