So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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