What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
