do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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