i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
