I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
