3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
