I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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