if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
