This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
