So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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